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MAH BIOSHOCK REVIEWSKI (wip)
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Jan. 12th, 2009 @ 05:37 pm
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I bought me an Xbox.
Impressive, sure, I hear you saying already, but you're a little behind the times. Everyone and their mother has an xbox these days. Want to know how much I care? You're reading this, so I assume you do. Not much, is the answer. In fact, not at all. Fuck everyone, and fuck their mothers. I'm jamming, motherfucker.
Now that the vulgarities are out of the way, here's what I've been playing.
BIOSHOCK.
First off, this game is the only game I feel is worth playing several times over without breaks in between for more juvenile forms of entertainment (burning down houses, firecrackers, bank heists, etc.) and I don't believe my view will ever change. Right now, since I blew my entire paycheck on the console, it's the only game I own. This is fine.
For those still reading this, and who might be unfamiliar with the game, check out www.bioshock.wikia.com
For those too lazy to click the link, here's my long-winded summary and review of the crack that is BIOSHOCK.
SPOILERS BELOW, FAGS.
The basic premise of the game is that you, Jack, the (anti?)hero are in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean, where by a strange twist of fate you stumble upon the breathtaking underwater world of Rapture, a dystopian city founded by mastermind and Vincent Price lookalike Andrew Ryan. While exploring Rapture you find yourself targeted by man, machine, and weird combinations of the two, and your goal is to escape with your life using weapons and genetic modifications.
But that's not the cool part.
The first person you make contact with in Rapture is Atlas, the very unassuming (and very Irish) helper in the game. You never meet him face-to-face--the only interaction you have with him is over a shortwave radio you pick up in the bathysphere that brings you into the city. He pleads for your help to save his family from the clutches of Andrew Ryan and get them to the surface again.
The idea behind Rapture is that it was once the most advanced and beautiful city in existance--hand-picked individuals from all around the world were brought together to become the first civilization untouched by "morality" and "censorship" that they found so common on the surface. Scientists, artists, and surgeons alike could work their magic without fearing imposition by the douchebags with the say-so. It's a classy concept, and it would have worked out had it not been for a few genetic experiments getting a little out of hand. That, and Frank Fontaine.
Now I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of the game's characters (for my sake and yours), because they are too numerous and too complex to even begin to sum up.
The bad guys are splicers, Big Daddies, and anyone else you happen to smack with your wrench. The splicers are god's gift to gaming--they're just people, but they're ugly, angry, powerful variations thereof. Some of them just sprint at you and try to smack you with any blunt object they can find. Some of them shoot at you. Some of them try to blow you up with molotovs and pipe bombs. And some of them teleport. I don't know how this happens, but I do know that it's the single most annoying thing about the game. Regardless, the splicers are crazy mutant freak-people that basically live and breathe to hit you with shit.
Big Daddies are a whole different ballpark. They're human (somwhat), but look like giant mechanized diving suits that clomp around and moan all the time. They are the iconic portion of the game that most people recognize from trailers and things. One type of Big Daddy is the Rosie, who has normal hands but a rivet gun that will shoot your face off if you don't serpentine like a madman. Rosie also throws proximity mines at you, but you can use nifty telekinesis to throw them right back in his gob. The best Big Daddy is the bouncer--he's got an oversized drill for a hand and illuminated eyes in his helmet that glow red when you piss him off. He uses the drill to rattle the ground and disorient you if you get too close. He's shorter than the Rosie, but more quick and aggressive. He will fuck your day up, big time, if you try to get between him and his little sister.
Which is an excellent segue! The little sisters are just what they sound like--wee little girls that have glowing yellow eyes and a scary extractor needle that they use to drain blood out of corpses to harvest ADAM (which is basically genetic material that allows you to splice new genes in with yours to give you abilities). You need ADAM to remain awesome in-game, so every little sister should be dealt with as you see fit. Now, if you're an evil douchebag, you can harvest the sisters (after dealing with her protector, of course) to get max ADAM to spend on new abilities. Or you can rescue them and get less ADAM overall, but neat plasmids (like my personal favorite, Hypnotize Big Daddy, which you use to do just that. I like to have several Big Daddy escorts, because then no one fucks with me) and other goodies. Plus, you get the "good" ending. I can't stand to see the little sisters scared of me, so I always rescue them and sleep well because of it. To those who think this is too soft-hearted of me, I will kill you. I already know who you are, and expect me crouching in your closet tonight while you drift off to sleep, biding my time.
So, we've covered Atlas, splicers, Big Daddies and little sisters. What else is there?
Oh, right. Plasmids. The ones worth mentioning are Incinerate, Electrobolt, Telekinesis, Insect Swarm, Hypnotize Big Daddy (which I already mentioned), and Winter Blast. There are others, but I don't use them, and this is MY goddamned review. They're all self explanitory. Burn, shock, sting, brainwash, and freeze everything to your heart's content.
There are also tonics you can find and use, things that make you faster, stronger, and uglier (just kidding. You never see Jack's face. I like to think he looks like Adrien Brody) as the game progresses.
Weapons. There are many of them. Your standard wrench, pistol, shotgun, and machine gun with nifty ammo types (armor-piercing and antipersonnel). There is a grenade launcher. I shit you not. You are not to be trifled with while holding it. Though for any enemy that isn't a Big Daddy, heat-seeking RPGs are bordering on overkill. It is cute when splicers try to outrun them, though. Tee hee. Another magical murder device is the crossbow, which is an EXCELLENT offense against any unsuspecting BD that might have his back turned. You can fire electrified trap bolts across hallways and watch with glee as they run toward you, getting fried the whole way. Also, fire bolts. Hours of amusement there. You can get a chemical thrower, too, but it's kind of retarded and not even worth equipping. About halfway through the game you get a research camera, which isn't a weapon per se, but it's definitely badass. You take photos of all kinds of enemies and increase your damage delivered and get special tonics. I take pictures of EVERYTHING. Even dead splicers.
HACKING. I almost forgot about hacking. There are safes, turrets (machine guns, flame throwers, and rocket launchers), security cameras, flying shooter bots (which are cuter than the dickens, I'm telling you) and door locks that can be hacked to either let you in or team up with you. Hacking is like playing pipe dream. In hell.
Andrew Ryan is a dick.
Frank Fontaine is supposedly dead, but he's also a dick.
There's a doctor chick that has a sweet German accent named Tennenbaum. She's cool, and will fuck your day up.
One of my favorite portions of the game are the audio diaries. They're these accu-vox voice recorders that you collect all around Rapture that side (or main) characters leave behind. It weaves this insanely intricate story that boggles my mind every time I think about it. Last time I spent too much time mulling it over, my brain exploded. It was messy, and took FOREVER to clean.
The art style in the game is very steampunk/old-new age. It's like taking a bunch of shiny things and leaving them to soak at the bottom of the ocean for a while (which, actually, is the game in a nutshell). It's so visually appealing that it's almost hard to believe that it's just a game. It's a treat to watch just as much as it is to play.
The music is great, and available to download for free at cultofrapture.com
The violence is fun. I like whacking dead splicers around with my wrench to watch their faces explode. The sound is soothing. |
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BREAKING NEWS: US anti-kidnapping expert kidnapped in Mexico!
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Dec. 15th, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
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HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAJASHKAJHSKAHKJSAHK
THE IRONY. IT BURNS.
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D953AKM82&show_article=1 |
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REMEMBER ME, BITCH?
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Dec. 3rd, 2008 @ 01:17 pm
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British Man From Bristol
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Nov. 28th, 2008 @ 03:51 pm
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We got a sign violation at work today, and the yokel from Bristol was very kind. Apparently he fakes a cockney accent when he goes to the city to avoid being ripped off. Just a thought. Don't mind me. |
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This message has been brought to you by T-Mobile
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Nov. 5th, 2008 @ 07:02 pm
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Right now I'm reporting from a Sidekick device on loan from the T-Mobile store where I work. The typing isn't bad at all, and I'm sure in no time I'll have the hang of the rest of its features.
Right now I'm watching Capote and digging it. I wanted to go to the mall to talk to someone about why this fucking thing won't display the catalog. I want the Dark Knight theme on this phone, dammit.
Happy fifth of November. |
| » Adia says hello. AGAIN. |
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NOW SHUT UP.
Oct. 27th, 2008 @ 07:31 pm
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| » Adia says hello. |
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Now shut up.
Oct. 27th, 2008 @ 01:56 am
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| » O RLY |
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ಠ_ಠ
...o rly?
Oct. 23rd, 2008 @ 12:39 am
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| » WHYYYYYYY? |
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Icarus is dead.
Oct. 11th, 2008 @ 05:41 pm
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| » Peek a boo, indeed. |
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I am becoming something else.
Photo of the day, ladies and gentlemen.
Make that two, because this is far too good to pass up.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 @ 07:04 pm
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| » You don't know DICK. |
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At Coffee Rush STOP
Waiting for work to begin STOP
A little bummed out by life today STOP
Trying to compensate by acting uncharacteristically silly STOP
Wish I could be somewhere other than either working or at school STOP
People won't stop calling and/or texting me STOP
Keep trying to convince them that their problems aren't my problems STOP
Really, really tired today STOP
Not looking forward to being in the heat STOP
Want the school week to be over already STOP
Also, YOU DON'T KNOW DICK
Sep. 15th, 2008 @ 03:36 pm
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| » And on that note, |
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Regarding a potential career path at Fresh and Easy
Dirty Dan: Oh word. If I get and interview I'm gonna tell them I got two kids to raise, haha.
That chick: Haha, I'll pose as the mother to validate the sob story.
Dirty Dan: Then we will get jobs there for sure! I think Fresh and Easy will buy it, otherwise they are rotten and difficult.
Also, I love this and have dreams about it now:
Aug. 22nd, 2008 @ 03:33 am
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| » LOOK MA NO FACE |
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Aug. 21st, 2008 @ 04:11 am
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| » memememe? |
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( MEME )
Aug. 16th, 2008 @ 11:11 pm
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| » MEMEMEMEME |
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-Up to ten characters you play are sitting together in a room.
-Have them discuss the following prompts.
Characters:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
1 ) Out of everyone in the room, who do you think is most likely to cause a scene in a grocery store?
2 ) Who among you is the laziest?
3 ) Growing up, were you a mama’s or daddy’s boy/girl?
4 ) If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?
5 ) Who is your best friend in the whole world? Why?
6 ) What’s your favorite scary story (or urban legend)?
7 ) Tell a joke.
8 ) Now for some quick questions: Name your favorite animal. Why?
9 ) What’s your favorite color?
10) Favorite movie? Why?
11) What’s your all-time favorite word?
12) Okay, here’s a scenario: you’ve committed a heinous crime, and your significant other is being blamed for it. The only way to clear their name is to turn yourself in. What do you do?
13 ) Now for something more morbid: If you could pick the exact circumstances of your death, what would they be?
14 ) On that same vein, if you could know the exact date and time of your death, would you want to?
15 ) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
16 ) The time has come for you to decide on baby names. Pick one each for a boy and a girl.
17 ) If you were on death row, what would you pick for your last meal?
18 ) What frightens you the most?
19 ) What fictional character can you most closely relate to?
20 ) Last one: Would you say you’re most closely aligned good or evil?
Aug. 16th, 2008 @ 11:02 pm
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| » Quote of the day, 8/15, 4:45 PM |
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lifeof1theparty2 (7:40:29 PM): WHYY so cute, Donald?!
HXC Hurty Thing (7:40:42 PM): Donald: I DON'T KNOW. WHYYYY SO SERIOUS, CHRYSTI?
lifeof1theparty2 (7:41:22 PM): Y SO SRS
HXC Hurty Thing (7:41:39 PM): Y $0 SRS?!!!11??1111!!!!ONE?!111
lifeof1theparty2 (7:41:59 PM): :D
lifeof1theparty2 (7:42:07 PM): NOBODY EVER GIVE THE JOKER AN AOL ACCOUNT.
lifeof1theparty2 (7:42:11 PM): THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN
HXC Hurty Thing (7:42:37 PM): haHAHAHKJADHJAHDWAdugfiug
HXC Hurty Thing (7:42:39 PM): AMAZING
HXC Hurty Thing (7:42:48 PM): I WANT THAT TO HAPPEN
lifeof1theparty2 (7:43:09 PM): You'll get an IM from 'haHAgothamhaHA' that says 'y so srs' and then your computer will blow up
HXC Hurty Thing (7:43:50 PM): LMAOOOOOOOO
edit: Also,
Aug. 15th, 2008 @ 07:44 pm
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| » When animals eat other animals. |
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At 2:36 in the morning, when Home Movies isn't enough to keep me here, I'm going to Wal Mart.
I don't have the money to waste. I'm going anyway. Maybe I'll get something to organize my files. I checked my wallet, and I only have about twenty bucks left. That has to last me until I get a job.
I don't care. I blew forty bucks on hair color to turn my hair white. It hasn't worked out quite right. The first time I stripped the black out it turned a beautiful shade of red. Then I bleached it. It turned pale yellow/pale red.
I can't do anything else until at least tomorrow.
I'm bored. And leaving.
Aug. 14th, 2008 @ 05:36 am
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